Raise your hand if you’re a professional struggle monster. JK. If you’re a real SM you probably can’t raise your hand because it’s caught in your sleeve or in a car door or it’s holding a medium sized dog with a large cup of coffee balanced on its head. No worries, I get it. I really get it. The. struggle. is. real.
And most of the time us struggle monsters can’t help it. Our brains and bodies are operating on two different wavelengths in the same ocean. Not even professional surfers can handle that. It’s borderline miraculous that we’re able to stay afloat at all.
For those of you that are unaware of the term ‘struggle monster’ you can go f*ck yourselves. LOLOLOLOL, jk, kinda, not really, but maybe just f*ck yourselves a little bit. Struggle Monsters are people that can’t entirely get their sh*t together no matter how hard they try.
Strengths include, but are not limited to:
- losing important personal items anywhere and everywhere
- maintaining a wardrobe that is 95% covered in stains and 100% wrinkled
- falling with and without moving
- forgetting birthdays/scheduled events/passwords/their own middle name
Weaknesses include, but are not limited to:
- managing anything to fruition in a thorough, thoughtful and adult-like manner
You can imagine with these skill sets how difficult traveling must be. Travel is a sport designed for responsible/resourceful people, not for Struggle Monsters. But, fear
not less, my fellow floppy slops, I’ve spent many years making it through disheveled adventures and I’ve accumulated some travel treasures that helped me survive. This list is an ever evolving collection, so by all means let me know if you’ve come across any other wonderful item(s) that could salvage my stupidity! But, for now, here are some of my Struggle Monster Travel Essentials:
- Travel Steamer: Look, your clothing gets wrinkled just by hanging gently in your closet so you know
foldingshoving it into a suitcase isn’t going to help it any. And you + hotel room iron/ironing board = unintentional vaudevillian prop comedy routine. Invest in a travel steamer! This one is from Conair and it’s on the larger side, but there are plenty of smaller, wonderful options out there. I know it seems excessive, but travel steamers are way faster and way more efficient than hotel irons, plus they can create tiny ineffective personal saunas if that’s something you’re in to.
- Poo-pourri: I’ve talked about this in so many videos you’d think I own this company. I don’t. I wish. We all wish. Poo-pourri is a bathroom spray that masks the satan smell that our butts produce. See, there is a god! They sell travel sized sprays and I usually always have one in my backpack. You never know where you’ll be when your butthole wants to destroy a bathroom so it’s better to be safe than sorry. Now you’re free to walk around like your sh*t don’t stink. Because you handled it the same way you handle your feelings, you covered it up and tried to forget about it.
- Stain Wipes: You know you need this. I know you need this. Neither one of us wants to see you having to walk around in a poncho for the rest of your life. Get this.
- Wet Ones: These are antibacterial hand AND BODY wipes. The body part is what makes them so special/necessary in my opinion. Lord knows us SMs tend to push showering way down on our list of priorities, so having a body wipe on hand is extremely helpful. Also, I’ve come to realize that my method for cleaning almost everything in my life (my house, my body, my dog) has been reduced to wipe form. And I’m not made at it.
- Teeny Tiny Travel-Sized Venus Razor: I unintentionally and consistantly sport an ankle bracelet of unshaven ankle hairs throughout the year. And I’m starting to believe others don’t find it as charming as I do. And for some reason it has always seemed slightly obnoxious to travel with a full sized razor. So, when I found this teeny tiny travel razor I was SOLD. It’s cute, it’s compact, and it works. Case closed. Oh! It also comes with a f*cking ADORABLE case.
- Fake Tanners: This is St. Tropez’s travel-sized 1 hour express tan and L’Oreal Paris’ Sublime Bronze Wash Off Body Makeup Lotion. I love both of these products and think they’re fairly fool-proof for the undeniable sloppy nature of an SM. And obviously, tanners are not a travel essential, they’re something I personally enjoy bringing with me. I feel like when I’m slightly more tan I appear slightly more healthy and it’s slightly less obvious to strangers that my diet consists mostly of red bulls, almond butter straight out of the jar and gummy vitamins.
- Ball-of Foot Gel Cushions: These are difficult to make out in this picture so below is a picture of what they look like in the store. I bought these at a Walgreens in Las Vegas, the city that specializes in the treatment of balls. lol. jk. but yeah. Vegas knows what it’s doing when it comes to offering products that alleviate the pain of prancing around in a ‘sexy-skin tight-basic-lady-costume.’ These inserts really seem to work, and they’re great for heals and flats. No discrimination when it comes to preventing pain! Just like Vegas!
- Panty Liners: These are obviously great for their intended purpose, but I can’t stress enough how helpful these are in the prevention of pit stains. Just stick them to the inner armpit part of any tight shirt or dress and you’re set. Just keep an eye on them throughout the night because they have a tendency to crumple up and having a crumpled, sweat-soaked panty liner fall out our your armpit in public isn’t the greatest moment for anyone.
- Reusable Pasties: Adorable and reusable? How fun! These are silicon nipple covers by the brand Pinky Petals. And they’re wonderful. I love sports bras, but hate the cold-weather-induced nipple poppage that usually happens with them. These solve that problem! They’re like hats for your nipples!
- White T-shirts: These are a great SM travel staple. I usually always travel with one or two white t-shirts everywhere I go. You can dress them up, dress them down, sleep in them, work out in them, DIY them if you stumble upon an unexpected Michael’s Craft store on your travels…the possibilities are endless. But make sure you bring your stain wipes with these because, remember, you’re a monster at the end of the day and you will eventually ruin these.
- Mophie Case + Beyonce: This is a two-fer. Firstly, Mophie cases (i.e. rechargable battery pack phone cases) have changed my travel tech life. They have incredible longevity and make my already large iPhone 6plus feel like a slightly larger, slightly chic-er brick. Cute. Only a handful of times have I ever had to charge my phone on the go during the day while using my Mophie case, they usually last all day with battery to spare. And secondly, Beyonce. Because….Beyonce.
And that’s it! Hopefully you find these travel essentials helpful! Let me know what you travel with to keep your struggle monster-isms in check.