I got the chance to go to the Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas over the weekend and it was a whirlwind experience of hygienic people wearing a variety of shiny, seemingly itchy cloths singing songs with their pretty voices while I stared at them. The GLAMOUR.

I did manage to learn a few things from the award show adventure:

  1.  Kesha’s voice is the verbal equivalent of a prickly head massager. It gives me chills.
  2. Troye Sivan’s parents are cooler and sweeter than I’ll ever be and if you bottled their supportive energy and distributed it the world might become TOO GOOD of a place. Also Troye makes me feel like a proud mom, until I remember that I’ve met his actual mom and I should check my altered version of reality.
  3. Trevor Moran is doing what I wish I could do, he’s making capes HAPPEN; whether the world is ready for it or not.
  4. Pink is infinity excellent.
  5. Watching Britney Spears’ hair whips will give you whiplash.
  6. Ariana Grande’s male backup dancers ARE INCREDIBLE. Their bodies are made of rubber bands and their faces are made of Pure. Sex.
  7. Turns out I am very attracted to Steven Tyler, but I also wish to inherit his sense of style. My emotions are conflicted. Dude looks like a lady and this lady wants to look like that dude.160522194950-12-billboard-music-awards-red-carpet-super-916

Which brings me to what I looked like at the #BBMAs! I looked like this:


To quote my instagram this look is as if “Britney and Kesha and Clair Danes-in-Homeland had a child who worked at a bank that sold tequila.” The tuxedo romper is from Nasty Gal and I like it because it evokes that elegant “she forgot her pants” mystique (some might say mistake, I say mystique). The flats are from a site called & Other Stories and more than two inebriated straight men complimented me on them throughout the night…so that is…cool?

I’ve never loved advertising my chest plate so I layered a couple of already layered necklaces, here’s proof:


The necklaces are a lot like me, a tangled mess that somehow works?

That brings us to my hairs and my facial skin, both of which I twisted and painted myself! Can you believe it? I can’t, but I also couldn’t believe Zendaya’s face and body were real until I saw them IRL and I’m still only 80% sure she’s real and 20% think Disney paid to bring an elegant Bratz doll to life. Regardless I smashed a bunch of lotions and potions, creams and dreams onto my face to create this look and here’s who got invited to the profile party (along with a couple items I smashed onto the rest of my limbs):


  1. Tan Colored Beauty Blender
  2. L’Oreal Infallible Advanced Never Fail Foundation
  3. L’Oreal Infallible Pro-Matte Foundation
  4. NARS Radiant Creamy Concealer
  5. Benefit PORE-fessional Primer
  6. BB Mate Contouring 1.2.3. Kit
  7. Tarte Amazonian Clay Blush in Fearless
  8. Tarte Amazonian Clay Bronzer in Park Avenue Princess
  9. Anastasia Beverly Hills Brow Whiz
  10. Anastasia Beverly Hills Clear Brow Gel
  11. TopShop Kohl Eyeliner
  12. NYX Super Skinny Eye Marker in Carbon Black
  13. Kat Von D’s Interstellar EyeShadow Palette
  14. Ardell 4 Pack Lashes Black 105
  15. Ardell Dark Eyelash Adhesive
  16. Too Faced Better Than Sex Mascara
  17. Too Faced Melted Long Wear Lipstick in Chihuahua
  18. Too Faced Melted Long Wear Lipstick in Melted Fuchsia
  19. NYC Plumping Lip Gloss in Extra Large Latte
  20. Make Up Forever HD Powder
  21. Urban Decay All Nighter Makeup Setting Spray
  22. Elizabeth and James Nirvana Black Roller Perfume
  23. St. Tropez Self Tan Express
  24. L’Oreal Paris Sublime Bronze Wash-Off Body Makeup Lotion

Just 24 quick steps to a flawless fuchsia carpet face! Plus other products I’ve inevitably forgotten! Overall the #BBMAs were enjoyable, entertaining and educational. And the greatest lesson I took away was that I’m still very, very bad at singing. But, the silver lining is that maybe I’m capable of styling myself like a person who looks like they might be somewhat passable at dive bar karaoke after you’ve had more than three lemon drop martinis. Win!

And here are some of my favorite photos of the night curtesy of my Twitter.


Look at that f*cking face


Fifth Harmony more like Fifth HarmoKNEES. Very sexy knees, ladies!


D-N-C-E and balls




Lindsey Stirling and Celine Dion. UGH. EVERY FEEL.


Hope this wasn’t BillBORING,