Recently my idiocy has been manifesting itself in more creative ways. How fun! Last week I got a shipment of clothes I ordered from Gap.com to fill some sort of void in my life and I immediately discovered I had ordered two pairs of the same short. Like a good ol’ professional idiot.Look at those two beautiful dummies. They’re like the dancing girls emojii except somehow dumber and more expensive. Now, I may be a bonehead, but I pride myself on being a decently self-aware bonernoggin. I KNOW I am never going to return that second pair. An ambitious, actual-adult would probably recognize their mistake and send back the accidental pair. Not me. I’ll absent-mindedly and lazily walk by that second pair sitting on my kitchen counter begging to be returned day after day after day after week after month thinking to myself “I’ll figure out how to return them tomorrow” until I inevitably have a day where my layers of lackadaisical guilt build up and I clean out my entire house because I think a ‘fresh start’ will fix my apathetic patterns and then I end up giving the shorts away in a bag full of other clothes that I probably shouldn’t have purchased in the first place.
*Record player scratch*
NOT THIS TIME, CUTE CUT-OFF DENIM DEVILS!
This time I broke my own predictable pattern and decided to DIY my lazy ways goodbye! In other words, I up-cycled my guilt! Who needs therapy when you have crafts!
I made a quick stop to Joann Fabrics aka a curious crafter’s warehouse of wet dreams aka a craft and fabric supply store and bought every iron-on patch I could find that wasn’t a butterfly or a Jesus cross (surprisingly/not surprisingly, there’s a wide variety of butterflies and Jesus crosses in the patch section of Joann’s).The collection took on an unintentional americana theme and I don’t hate it. It also kind of looks like a visual poem about nature vs technology or man vs machine and the evolution of communication. How fun!
The idea to get these patches was inspired by this pair of shorts I purchased from TopShop a few weeks ago.They cost $68 and they immediately shrunk too much the first time I washed them because I don’t completely know how to wash clothes. I put the dirty clothes in the clean machine with the powder or the detergent pod and hope for the best! I live my life like an endless losing scratch-off ticket. Even though the tag says ‘MOM’ (because they’re high-waisted mom jeans) which turns my uterus into I like the look of them and thought I could recreate something similar for less of dat CHEDDAH CHEESE (money, god I’m such a dumb mom).
So I started arranging and rearranging patches until I got a layout I didn’t loathe deeply and completely.
I followed the ironing directions written on the patches’ packaging and then I ironed all of the patches again because I’m paranoid they won’t stay on. I’ll probably iron them again or possibly even stitch some of the more awkward-shaped patches on before I wear these in public because one time one of my hair extensions fell out on the street in front of some people and I tried to nonchalantly stuff it into my jeans pocket without anyone noticing but not before creating an emotional trigger for myself related to physical things falling off my body in public. How fun!
This DIY was easy and fun, just like I like my
men DMV appointments. These jorts were $28 and each patch cost me about $2-$3. So in the end I got a cunique (cute + unique) pair of shorts for about $18 less than the TopShop pair. But imagine if you took an old pair of jeans you already have and don’t love and cut them into shorts and patched them up?! What a super cheap/easy/CUNIQUE DIY YOU’D HAVE. HOW F*CKING FUN.
Here’s what the shorts look like on my body.They’re a little stiff from my paranoia-ironing, but I’m sure they’ll relax once I work up the courage to throw them into my washer and hope for the best. I actually loved how they turned out so much that used some of the left over patches on an old denim romper I had in my closet.
Well, there ya go. There’s my (hopefully) inspiring bit of DIY for the week. When you’re fashionably confused, just remember, the patch always works best for Ds and Vs; Denims and VeryOldClothingItems.
Backing dat patch up,